Socks

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Chapter Nine: Island Of The Space Monkeys
by CiCi Lean
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"Mmmmphgle"

Alex Krycek sighed. "I know."

"Phffbggldd bggldg gddl," continued Brian Pendrell, though a large piece of duct tape that was covering his mouth.

"Well, it's not entirely my fault."

"Hmmphglld?"

"I always thought it was a completely mutual decision," replied Alex, in a slightly hurt voice. "Besides, I didn't know that your dog was run over by a Communist."

"Hmmph," snorted Brian through the tape. "Mflflggle."

The bald monocled man walked over to their side of the speedboat and observed his prisoners with satisfaction. At last he had Alex Krycek to dispose of as he wished. The missing film would be enough of an excuse to hand to his superiors when the time came to explain his *disappearance*."

"At last, Alex Krycek," he murmured. "We meet again."

Krycek rolled his eyes and yanked on the handcuff that secured him to the speedboat's brass railing. "Uh, huh. Can't think of a new line yet, huh?"

"So, do you know where you are being taken, Mr. Krycek?" said the bald man, an evil gleam filling his single monocled eye.

"Disneyland?" asked Krycek sardonically. "Ooops. No we just left there. Well, gee, since we're speeding out here in the middle of nowhere, I guess Universal Studios is out of the question."

"Hmammpagh," chuckled Brian. "Ndnfd gommog blogad," he continued as Krycek laughed in response.

"Silence!" hissed the bald man at Brian. "Can't you be quiet for one second? Good lord, we put that thing on you to shut you up. Yap, yap, yap...you're worse than my wife. "

He turned to Krycek. "And you understand him?"

Krycek shrugged. "Sure. We've had practice."

The bald man grimaced with distaste. "I see. Well, I suppose you should finish your conversations now, while there is still time. Before you reach the island."

"Which island?" asked Krycek dully, leaning over and resting his head on Brian's shoulder with a bored expression. "Hope it's not as exciting as the last one."

"You are being taken to Space Monkey Island," replied the bald man, with the tiniest of grins.

Krycek's eyes popped open wide and he sat up with a start. "Wha..aaa...at?" he stuttered, turning perfectly white with fear.

The bald man's grin turned into a wide, evil smile.

"Oh, you can't take us there," whispered Krycek with horror, as Brian stared at them both, wondering what was going on.

"Please. Listen, I'll get the film back. Please. You have to..I'll get the film back, I *swear* it!." begged Alex as the bald man started to laugh, a hoarse, wicked sound.

"It's too late for you, Alexander Krycek," he chuckled. "You and your little friend here are going to be primatized. And then, sent on a journey. Yes, a far journey into the heavens."

"NOOOOO!!" howled Alex, as the bald man walked away laughing loudly. "NOOOO! DON'T DO THIS!"

Brian turned to Alex with terror in his eyes. "Mmmphgle?" he asked with a slight squeak.

But Alex was too distraught to respond. "No, no, no," he whispered, almost close to tears.

"Not Space Monkey Island!!!"

****

The boat came to a shuddering stop at a tiny wooden pier as Alex and Brian were hauled up onto the island. Around them, soldiers ran to and fro and a giant warehouse loomed in the distance.

Alex had spent the rest of the boat ride howling and begging anyone who would listen to let them go, but his pleas were only greeted with derisive laughter. Brian tried to motion at Alex to explain what this horrible place could *possibly* be, but couldn't get much of a response past terrified yowling.

They were both dragged into the warehouse, and immediately Brian wrinkled his nose at the odd smell that surrounded him. Gosh, it smells like wet chimps in here, he thought with a grimace. But that can't be.

Suddenly, a soldier came hurrying past them, dragging five leashed chimpanzees behind him. "Ok, next batch for their bath!" he yelled out to another guard, who handed him a pair of cages, each containing a miserable looking chimp.

Brian's eyebrows shot up questioningly at the bald man, who was watching the proceedings with satisfaction.

"We like them clean before sending them into orbit," he explained cryptically.

"Oghmnph," Brian responded unhappily, disliking his surroundings more by the second.

"Listen, Doris," said Krycek, with desperation in his voice. "I can get that film for you. Just give me two days, and it will be in your hands, I swear it. Two days, that's all I ask."

"Silence!" roared the bald man. "It is too late for anymore of your incompetence Agent Krycek! You have come to meet your ultimate fate. To be primatized and then flung into the far reaches of space for all eternity, circling forever, in the cold dark reaches of space!" he said. "And by the way, I'm not Doris. I'm his brother, Poris."

Krycek groaned and held his head in his hand.

"Mmmphgle?" said Brian beseechingly in the bald man's direction. "Mdhghdllded dnghd prmgikd..."

The bald man rolled his eyes. He reached out and tore off Brian's gag with a *rrriiippp*. "I can't believe that you're more annoying with it on," he sighed.

"GGGGAAAHHHHH!" yelled Brian, as the duct tape was torn from his mouth. He wiggled his lips experimentally, then took a deep breath. "Thanks Poris. I think. Anyway, I'm still sort of confused here. What exactly do you mean by *primatizing*? I mean, is that like Midasizing or Supersizing? And what is all this about being shot into space? I don't get it."

Krycek began to yowl louder. "Shot into space!" he cried out.

The bald man ignored Krycek. "It's very simple. You and Agent Krycek here will undergo a simple experimental instantaneous genetic mutation process known as primatizing, which will alter your DNA and then restructure your existing cells into their matching primate form."

"After we complete this part of the process, you will then be outfitted with the appropriate equipment and training for orbital satellite exploration. Once that is done, you will be placed in the module and then introduced to your new environment, approximately fifteen miles into the atmosphere," he finished with a flourish. "Do you understand now?"

Brian shook his head. "No, I don't think I do. Could you possible go through that again?"

But Krycek interrupted him. "DON'T YOU GET IT? HE'S GONNA TURN US INTO MONKEYS AND SHOOT US INTO SPACE!" he screamed.

He began to moan again. "I don't wanna be a monkey. Nooooo. Don't wanna..."

"Oh, dear," said Brian. "But...but...but, why?" he asked the bald man. "I mean, what's the point? Exactly why would you waste all that time and effort to do something like that?"

The bald man smiled, an evil, almost simian smile. "Because we can," he whispered.

He turned toward the guards behind him. "Take this one to the primatizing chambers immediately," he said, pointing at Brian, who was instantly grabbed. "But this one," he said, pointing at Alex, "leave him with me."

The guards did as they were told, dragging Brian away, as Alex began to scream. "Brriiiaaaannn!!! NOOOOOOO!!!"

"Well, goodbye Alex," yelled Brian sadly, waving as he was dragged off. His watch came loose as he waved, falling to the floor only to be scooped up by a passing chimp.

"Damn, that's my Timex," he growled, as the chimp ran away with his watch.

"BRRRIIIIIAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!" screamed Alex, as he was dragged off in the opposite direction.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

****

"Ok, boys, we got one for today," said the first guard to his co-workers, dragging Brian behind him.

Brian suddenly felt himself being forced into a object that looked distressingly like an electric chair and was strapped in tightly.

"Hey! Watch the socks!" he yelled, as they strapped his ankles in. The guards ignored him, finished what they were doing and walked over to their control panel muttering amongst themselves.

Next to Brian sat a chimp, in a similar device, with the wire running from his chair directly into Brian's. Brian shook his head. This was so stupid, he thought angrily.

"Well, I hope you're all happy now," he yelled, with irritation. "You wrinkled my best pair of socks."

"Comrade," said one guard to another, as a slight wisp of smoke rose from the machine control panel. "I think we have a problem here."

"And, I don't appreciate your rough handling on my way to this facility. I'm reporting all of you to Amnesty International," growled Brian righteously. "Don't think I won't."

The smoke became thicker as the guards began to panic. "Nyet! Nyet! She's going to blow! She's going to blow!" They all ran out the door, screaming.

"In fact, I'm reporting you guys to everyone I can think of. And *then* I'm going to sue all of you. Can you say civil suit?" Brian yelled at them as they ran away. "I thought you could!"

Suddenly, the metal cuffs on his ankles and wrists fell away with a buzz. He looked at the control panel, sparking and smoking and shook his head. Brian got up, walked over, reached around the back and pulled out the plug.

The smoking immediately ceased. Morons, he thought with a grimace. He wiped his hands on his pants with a disdainful gesture as he walked toward the door. "Well let that be a lesson to all of you. Remember," he said to no one in particular as he opened the door to leave.

"No one makes a monkey out of Brian Pendrell."

And he shut the door with a slam.

****

"BRIIAAANN!!!" screamed Alex Krycek as he ran down the warehouse hallway to the primatizing chambers.

He'd escaped after pulling a daring maneuver that consisted of him clocking Poris over the head with a giant wheel of aged Parmesan cheese. "Never know when you'll want a big hunk of cheese," explained Poris, right before Krycek struck. Well, he has his big chunk of cheese, thought Alex, now I'm going to get what I want.

"BRIIIIIAAAANNN!"

He ran down the hallway faster to the back rooms and opened the first door he came upon. He gasped when he entered and saw row upon row of chimps in small cages, each one with their own little name tag hanging off of the bottom. Krycek read the name tags curiously.

"Hmmm. Billy Ray Cyrus. Men Without Hats. David Caruso. Frankie Goes To Hollywood..."

"Hey," said Alex with amazement, looking up from the name tags to the chimps. "I always *wondered* where you guys went. Look at this. Anna Nicole Smith. Macauley Culkin."

He kept looking, reading each name tag first with interest, then he turned around with impatience. Oh, they couldn't have completed the procedure on Brian yet, could they? He shook his head and was about to leave, when he noticed a chimp sitting quietly on a gurney on the far end of the room. Alex walked toward the table and peered closely at the chimp.

And gasped with horror when he saw what the chimp was wearing.

Brian's watch.

"Oh, no," whispered Alex, with horrified misery as the chimp scratched behind its left ear with its big toe. "Oh, Brian. My, poor, poor, poor, Brian," he cried out.

"I'm too late!" Alex cried, scooping the befuddled chimp into his arm and hugging him. "I'm so sorry, Brian. This is all my fault. I should never have let this happen to you."

Alex began to sniffle, as he put the chimp down gently. "Well, don't you worry. We'll figure out something. We'll just have to keep going until we find a cure for you," he said with determination. "I guess I can get you a little travel cage to go around in," Alex sighed as the chimp picked a flea from its nose.

"And maybe some dried fruit packs and yogurt for dinner. Or do you just like bananas? And we'll get a brush. You know, with a haircut and grooming you probably won't look that bad," said Alex hopefully, patting the chimp on the head comfortingly. "You *are* still housebroken right? Because I really don't think that I can..."

"Alex?"

Krycek whirled around at the sound of a familiar voice.

And saw Brian standing behind him.

His mouth fell open as Brian walked up to him. "Don't mind me for asking, Alex, but...uh...why are you talking to a chimp?" he asked plaintively.

"I, uh, well, I thought that you were, or he was," gasped Alex in shock. "I mean..."

Brian blinked and pointed at the chimp. "You thought that was *me*?

Alex just nodded, tears of happiness welling in his eyes. "Yeah. I thought they chimpanzied you."

"Oh, no," said Brian, shaking his head. "That's not me."

"So I see," said Alex, pulling a surprised Brian into a tight embrace. "And I'm so glad."

Brian pulled back and smiled. "Me too. I don't think chimps wear socks you know," he whispered.

Alex smiled back. "Nope. Now come on," he said, dragging Brian out of the room by his sleeve. "I saw some jet skis by the docks when we came in. If we can get to those, it's only a couple miles back to shore."

"Great," said Brian as they jogged down the hallways. "I always wanted to ride on one of those things. Or is that a para-sail I'm thinking of? Or maybe a surfboard? No, it's not a surfboard. It's that thing where you..."

Alex clapped his hand over Brian's mouth and dragged him away.

****

Alex and Brian stumbled through the woods for the fourth hour. They'd successfully reached the shore after only a few spills and one near miss with a giant squid and Alex noted to his delight that they were very close to one of his old spy residences. It was in the old days when he worked for IBM, that he'd obtained a secluded redwood cabin which he'd stocked with all the amenities one could need for any type of discussion, including ones about socks.

"We're almost there," huffed Alex, dragging a drooping Brian behind him, as they climbed through more dense forest.

"Are you sure we can't stay out here?" whined Brian, stumbling with each step. "Look how soft the ground looks. And we're in California. Warm and beautiful..."

"Come on," replied Alex, yanking once more on Brian's sleeve. "Just over that hill."

"Oh, moss," sighed Brian, passing by another comfortable looking rock. "That looks so cozy, doesn't it? I'll bet we'll have a great rest, right there on those rocks."

"There. There it is," said Alex excitedly, pointing at a tiny cabin on the far end of the clearing.

"Oh, great," said Brian, unenthusiastically, the exhaustion permeating his voice. "Look, how about I lay here on these sticks and then I'll meet you there? Let's say, sometime next week."

But Alex grabbed him and continued to pull until they finally reached the cabin. He opened the door with a flourish.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Alex happily, ushering Brian inside.

Brian gasped when he saw the interior. It was a fully equipped cabin, cozy and warm, with hardwood floor, well-stocked kitchenette, a fireplace and a fur rug. His eyes widened at the sight of a huge, king sized bed in the north corner of the house, complete with large, fluffy pillows and a down comforter.

"Uh," said Brian, rubbing his eyes. "This is a hallucination, right?"

Alex shook his head with a smile, as he closed the door behind them. "Nope."

"Are you sure?" asked Brian with disbelief in his voice.

He turned Brian toward him and slowly pulled his mouth against his own. "It's as real as this," he whispered before kissing him.

"Oh. Well, that's pretty real," Brian whispered back after a few moments.

"Now, I'm going to start a fire, see what's in the freezer, and I *think* I have a bottle of something unopened around here somewhere, OK?" said Alex quietly. His and Brian's eyes were closed, their foreheads touching. "You rest up for a little while, and I'll be right back."

Brian nodded as Alex gently kissed his forehead. He stumbled off to the bed and lay down with a groan.  "I think I'll need a vacation after this vacation," he muttered, crawling under the covers.

But Alex paid no notice as he ran through the cabin, starting to sing at the top of his lungs. "I think we're alone nooooowwwwwww..."

He chortled happily as he lit the fireplace and soon, it was roaring and warm, in front of the huge, fluffy fur rug that lay invitingly over the hardwood cabin floor.

"Doesn't seem to be anyone arouw-hooownd!" he sang, and went into the kitchen. He stuck his head in the refrigerator and nearly howled with delight when he spied the unopened bottle of champagne lurking in the back.

"I think we're alone noooooowwwwwww..." he continued to sing as he came out with the champagne and two chilled glasses. He continued to hum happily as he walked over to the bed where Brian lay.

"The beating of our hearts is the only sooowww-owwwnd."

And Alex saw Brian was already underneath the covers...

Fast asleep.

Krycek looked at him for a long moment, then quietly put the champagne and glasses down on the nightstand with a sigh. He crept into the bed, underneath the covers next to Brian, who was by now snoring lightly. Krycek snuggled in closer and closed his eyes. Soon, both of them were deep asleep and dreaming happily.

And for the first time all week, both slept easily, feeling safe, warm and content. Without any cares at all, both knowing that tomorrow they'd have all the time in the world.

Time to *finally* finish what they started.

But meanwhile...

****

Along the California coastline a long canoe was sailing into port, powered by six burly men, rowing in unison. At the helm was a tall woman, wearing a dark leather dress and sharp stiletto heels.

"FASTER! FASTER!" the woman screamed.

It was Martine, her moccasins gone, both of them having been converted into a long leather whip. "STROKE! STROKE!" she cried out to the rowers, who toiled painfully at the oars.

"I'm going to have a damn stroke," one of the rowers grumbled before a sharp flick of the whip burned into his back.

"Silence!" she snarled. "We have work to do after this, so all of you better be ready for it."

She ignored their groans as she chuckled to herself. "Oh, Alex Krycek, you'll be sorry. Because I, Martine, am coming for you."

"Oh, I'll get you yet Krycek...and your little LabBoy too!"

Meanwhile, at Disneyland...

****

Fox Mulder and Dana Scully strode purposely from Snow White ride toward Walter Skinner who shook his head at them.

"This entire situation is the fault of two men," he snarled, as Scully watched Edward R. Banks being brutally dragged away by two dozen Elvis impersonators. "And you know who they are."

Both Mulder and Scully nodded as Skinner clicked his brass knuckles ominously.

"Oh, we'll get you yet, Krycek...and your little LabBoy too!"

Meanwhile, in a blimp hovering over Santa Fe......

****

"Comrade! We are approaching the California coast!"

Doris, The Butcher of The Chicken Kiev rubbed his hands together gleefully as the blimp closed in on the western coastline. "Good. Soon we will be upon them. And then we'll see who is the one laughing. Yes, your time is coming Alex Krycek."

"I swear I'll get you yet, Krycek...and your little LabBoy TOO!"

And finally, in the cold waters of the Bering Straight...

****

The rabid beavers finished their long swim and filed upon the Alaskan shoreline in neat rows. They nodded to one another, with their own secret, silent signal. They didn't say anything, well, because beavers can't talk.

But in the back of their primordial minds, a single thought lay pounding in their instinctual heartbeat.

//We'll get you yet, Oh Thing With One Leg Missing and the Thing That Squeals Too!//

Then, as one body, they turned, their feet padding rapidly southward, toward California.

Toward a small cabin, deep in the woods.

Where Alex and Brian lay, unaware of what was in store.

****

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