Subj: Submission for the COLB Date: 97-11-16 18:31:59 EST From: EnragedCat To: ChronBiz, icicleb@hotmail.com Title: Pendrell Goes Looney (Tuney) Author: HG Frank Rating: G Spoilers: Probably, for Max and the other non-existent episode Summary: A scene from a Looney Tunes short is given a nice twist. Disclaimer: Charlie the Dog and Porky belong to Warner Bros., the dialogue to Chuck Jones and Mike Maltese, Pendrell to 10-13, and Chris Carter to the Devil. *** [Pendrell, drunk from too many Doofs (generic beers), trots confidently up to Chris Carter, preoccupied with his studio chores.] PENDRELL: Look, chum, you ain't got no pet, I ain't got no master. [Looks around patronizingly] What a pity. Such a lovely show and no dog. [Taps CC on chest in a confidential manner] I'll tell you what I'll do [Very brightly] I'll make a preposition: you can be my master and I'll be your dog. CARTER: [Glances at audience, a la Edgar Kennedy] No! N-n-no! I don't want a dog, I don't n-need a--d... PENDRELL: [Strikes elegant pose, taps his own chest, continues inexorably] I am fifty percent pointer. [He points in all directions] There it is! There it is! There it is! [Into fighting stance] Fifty percent boxer. [HIts nose with thumb, strutting around an imaginary ring, sniffing and sparing] Fifty percent Irish setter. [Jams clay pipe in mouth, bowl down] Fifty percent watchdog. [Pulls out pocket watch, checks it carefully] "At the tone the time will be"--but mostly I'm all labrador retriever! CARTER: [Disgustedly] Oh--you a-are not a labrador receiver! PENDRELL: [Crestfallen, hurt] I--I'm not? CARTER: [Angrily] No! You are n-not n-ne-neither no l-labra-d-d-dor retreiver!! PENDRELL: [Blinks, wipes brow, then very reasonably] Look, if you doubt my word, get a labrador and I'll retrieve it for you--that's fair, isn't it? CARTER: [Somewhat confused and getting more so] A-a-a-ah-uh--a labra-d-dor... Why, uh sure...I-I...Ya-you-huh... PENDRELL: [Very quietly] Have you got a labrador? CARTER: [Scraping foot, embarrased] N-no. PENDRELL: Know where you can get a labrador? CARTER: [Not knowing why, but on defensive.] N-no. PENDRELL: [Quietly venomous, like George Raft] Then shaddap. CARTER: [Begins to boil--rumbling sound of earthquake, kettledrums, steam blows his top] Get out! Out! Out! Out! Get out!! Out!! Get!! Out!! [Subsides into hysterical panting] PENDRELL: [Falls back, cringing, looks up piteously at Carter] Y-you mean? CARTER: Yes! I mean! Out! Out!! Out!! Ge-get out!! [Hysterical panting] PENDRELL: [Hesitantly] Bu-but I thought... [Breaks down and cries. Falling to the ground and burying face in his arms, weeps piteously] CARTER: [Uncertain softening] Well--gee--you dirty forlorn old dog--I d-didn... PENDRELL: [Blinking and sniffing, talking mainly to a piece of floorboard he picks up] All my life I've dreamed of the day I could go back and live in the laboratory--I'm not strong--I need lotsa fresh air--and milk--and cream. [Tiny cough] And fresh leafy vega-tabbles. [Breaks down and sobs through next sentence] Good clean wholesome lab living. [Cries softly] CARTER: But I-I--didn't--f... PENDRELL: [Turning sadly away, ignoring Carter.] And now... [Big sniff] And now that I've got a chance to regain my life, you want to send me to the bar. [Leaps up stiffly, grabs throat, eyes bulging] The bar!! I can see it all now--its shiny glasses!! Cold!! Cruel!! Onimous! Closing down on you!! From every side! [Wheels stiffly around, pointing in terror] From every side!! Till you can't breath. Closer! Closer! [Grabs throat in own grip] Br-a-a-ck-k [Whisper] You can't breath!! All day!! All night!! You can't sleep!! The traffic!! [Hesitates--eyes roll-silence] Bartender-bartender! Wine! Wine! Look out for that glass! A-roo-gah!! Look out for that spill! Wine! Wine! Beer! Wine! Rum! Gin-n-n! Wine-bartender-bartender! [Quiet] [Sotto voice] Hark--what's that? [Eyes roll, grabs heart, and points up] Look! It's Jeff Foxworthy! He's got a gun! [Screams] Ya-a-h [Falls stiffly to ground, arm still pointing] CARTER: [Into scene, hands clasped] Why, you poor unsanitary old underprivileged mongrel, you--I-I didn't kn-know--you can stay and get all clean lived like me--you pathetic sallow creature, you. PENDRELL: [Looks up] I wanta drink of water, and a cookie, and my very own Scully...and... *** all commenst directed at enragedcat@aol.com (EnCat)