DISTRIBUTION: Archive by permission. Email forwarding is OK. SPOILERS: Up to and including "S.R. 819". Also, spoilers for the Deep Space Nine episode, "The Siege of AR-558." (8 + 1 + 9 = 5 + 5 + 8. Coincidence? I think not.) RATING: G. SUMMARY: Humour. Dead Redheads of the X-Files. G-rated genfic from Hal -- somebody come over here and slap me. For Xanthe, with whom I was chatting when I got the idea. :) DISCLAIMER: Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox own the X-Files, not me. Some other people own Star Trek. January 1999 DEAD REDHEADS by Halrloprillalar "Yap! yap! yap!" Nobody moved. "Yap! yap! yap!" Pendrell looked up from his book. "Come on, whose turn is it to let the dog out? I did it the last three times." "Must be Max's." Melissa studied her nails critically and took a couple of swipes with an emery board. "Not me. What about Kurt?" "Yap! yap! yap!" "Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, and Kurt are out trying to convince The Powers That Be to bring them back. I think they're tired of us." Melissa took out an orange stick and went to work on her cuticles. "I can't imagine why." "Yapyapyapyapyap!" Pendrell sighed. "Kellin? Would you let Queequeg out?" "I don't see why I should have to put him out. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not even from the same show as you guys." "Max, let the dog out." Melissa glared and Max wilted, complying and putting an end to the incessant barking. "I've explained this to you before, Kellin." Pendrell lay down his book and crossed the room. "You're an appealing, red-headed minor character who showed up, bonded with a major character, then met an untimely, senseless, and horrible demise. So naturally you ended up here. I can't help it that your show copied ours." Kellin put his head in his hands. "If they'd told me, I'd never have joined Starfleet in the first place." Max grabbed the remote. "Speaking of the show, there's a new episode tonight." He flicked on the TV and after a few minutes The X-Files came on. Melissa picked up her nail polish and sat on the couch to watch. "Oh my God, they killed Skinner!" "I wonder where he'll end up." "No, those sexy bald types never die. They get syndicated forever." The episode progressed and soon they were all enthralled. "Dana, I can't *believe* you are wearing that outfit." Melissa shook her head. "You usually do so much better." Pendrell shot her a sideways glare. "I think she looks very nice." Melissa rolled her eyes and forbore to comment. "Yap! yap! yap!" Nobody moved. "Yap! yap! yap!" "Max?" Melissa blew on her nails to dry them. Max got up and let the dog in. Queequeg skittered into the room and jumped into Kellin's lap, sniffing and licking his face. "Get off me, you idiot dog." Kellin managed to disengage himself. Pendrell leaned closer to the TV. "Look, it's Skinner's new secretary." "So?" "So, we've seen her a few times already and look at her hair. Red, no doubt about it." Kellin raised a skeptical eyebrow. "So, she's doomed to die." "Probably. Though we don't even know her name yet." Pendrell continued to study the woman closely. "Oh no, she's talking to Mulder! Don't do it! Run, lady, run!" Max shivered. "If she talked to Mulder, it's too late. Might as well get the spare room ready." "About time we had another woman around here," Melissa said. "If I weren't already dead, the testosterone would poison me." Pendrell stared at her. "So, you want this poor woman to die just so you two can sit around and give each other manicures?" "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response." Kellin turned to the others. "I don't understand. If red hair is a curse, why is Scully still alive?" "Well, sweetie," Melissa said, "things might be different if she were a *natural* redhead." "You mean...she's...she's not?" Pendrell's eyes got very big. "Come on, if you couldn't tell that at twenty yards, you must be blind." Kellin rubbed his chin. "So, this secretary is the only redhead left alive? Maybe we should start a pool about when she buys it, make things more interesting." "No," Max said. "There's Byers too." "Byers is a brunette." "Auburn." "Brown." "Maybe mahogany?" "Well, maybe, but is that enough for the curse?" Kellin surveyed the others. "Fifty strips of latinum says Byers kicks first." "That's 'fifty bucks,' Kellin," Pendrell said. "Anyhow, I don't think it would be right to gamble about this." "You're on, Starfleet. I say the secretary." Melissa got out her file again and started on her toenails. They watched in silence until the show was over. "What a cheesy ending!" Melissa pulled two bottles of polish out of her case. "What do you think, the blue or the purple?" Max shrugged. "I thought it was a pretty good reentry into the mytharc." "Well, maybe, but this episode had almost exactly the same theme and execution as this week's Millennium. And Millennium was much better." "I still can't figure out this show," Kellin complained. "Is there any way we can just get out of here?" "Not likely, at least until our shows are out of production," Pendrell explained. "Then you can probably find another show. I'd love to be a villain for a change. Maybe some escaped soul on Brimstone." "I want to be on Millennium," Max sighed. "No aliens, no Mulder. Frank wouldn't have let them take me." "Sorry, Max, you're more likely to end up on the Simpsons." Melissa looked up from painting her toenails. "Me, I'm for Ally McBeal." Kellin stood and began to pace around. "You are all so pathetic! Don't you even want to change networks? Don't you have any ambition? Starfleet is a pretty good outfit, you know. We beat the Borg, you know. And it's just a matter of time before that whole Dominion thing is cleared up." The others looked away from him, embarrassed and unsure of what to say. Just then, the door flew open and Kurt and Kurt rushed into the room. "Good news! The Man says we should all come by his office and discuss a possible transfer to Harsh Realms later this year!" There was general rejoicing as shoes were found and jackets slipped on. Kellin stood amidst the confusion. "What about me?" "Uh, sorry. He didn't say anything about you, I'm afraid." Everyone trooped out the door, leaving Kellin and Queequeg behind. "Hey," he called. "Don't forget the dog!" A faint voice came back to him. "He's supposed to wait until 'When Animals Attack' show up for him." Well, at least he could watch some real TV now. Kellin microwaved some popcorn and settled in with a beer to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000. His problems began to melt away as Mike and the Bots quipped their hilarious way through yet another movie. Solitude, solace, bliss. "Yapyapyapyapyap!" Damn. Kellin turned off the TV, dismantled the stereo, and started building a transmitter to get a distress call back to Paramount. F I N I S Which show would you want to be on? Forward your resume and other comments to prillalar@geocities.com. NOTE: Lt. Kellin was played by Bill Mumy. As soon as I saw him, all redheaded and appealing and engineer-ish and bonding with Ezri, I knew he was marked for death. *sigh*